What Is It You Need?
by Mage of Dragons
Summary: No matter how hard Kel tries, Lord Wyldon will never accept her for who she is. A chronical of Kel's page years, and her thoughts on never being quite good enough. Songfic set to Dashboard Confessional's Ender Will Save Us All.


_**A/N: Sorry for the confusion. Somehow, the file got screwed up when I uploaded it, and it lost all the lyrics but the first bit got lost. So, here's the real thing. **_

**_Again, Dashboard Confessional owns this song, called Ender Will Save Us All. It's originally about Orson Scott Card's books. They're really great-- check them out._**

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_It's just like you to contest  
Wear it like a label on your breast  
Don't you see what this takes of me?  
A certain callousness complies  
With your charm and in your pride  
A hopeful look draped in despise._

Keladry of Mindelan looked down at her hands in disgust. Probation. The word was harsh and alien in her ears, even after hearing it so many times now. She was about to face the man who was putting her through all this. Don't they understand? Kel wondered. Those conservatives, they can oppose girls becoming knights all they want, but a law is a law. How could Lord Wyldon have contested that? The word of the King was supposed to be final, and yet, this man had changed it. And, looking in the doorframe, the man hardly looked apologetic. His coarse good looks were marred for a second with the same disgust Kel knew would have been written on her face, if not for her Yamani mask. He just hates girls, she thought. He sighs almost inaudibly as she enters, as if saying, _I had hoped that you would reconsider._ Then, as her father stepped into the room, the same disgusted, despising look crossed his face. He stared at her further, before drumming his fingers on the desktop resignedly. "Be seated, please, both of you."

_**  
**__I want to give you  
Whatever you need.  
What is it you need?  
Is it what I need?  
I want to give you  
Whatever you need.  
What is it you need?  
Is it within me?_

Kel stared up the long hill to the palace and gulped. It was only mid-week, but she was exhausted by the increase in their physical and mental studies. With a last sigh, she shook out her limbs and began to run up the tedious incline. The steady hill burned her calf muscles, and her battered lungs screeched in protest. Nevertheless, she continued. None of the other boys ran up the hill; still she did it, to prove to herself and Lord Wyldon that she could be as good as-and better than-all the other boys. Everyday, she waited until they all left before beginning her run unobserved. Today, however, she had an audience. The Training Master leaned against a tree, silently watching The Girl through deep brown eyes. Kel caught sight of him as she ran past. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him take one last glance at her, give an unsatisfied shake of his head, and turn away. _Whatever I do, it's not enough_, she thought. _It's never enough. Even when I do something more, I'm still a failure to him, because he wants me gone_. Even when doing extra work almost killed her, she still did more than anyone else. Now, she thought that even if she used all the strength within her, she could never be good enough for Lord Wyldon. The problem was, even if she didn't say it, she wanted to be recognized. She wanted him to praise her, to tell her that she was good. _But he will never be proud of me_, Kel thought sadly.

_It's hard to explain how I am getting by  
On so little from you.  
It's hard to believe that I would let myself  
Get so wrapped into you.  
There's got to be something that would  
Be worthwhile for me to give to you.  
We need a connection but you  
Seem to push me far away from you._

It hurt Kel to see that, even as time went by, the Training Master still ignored her. He never watched or assisted her when they sparred with partners. Even when she perfected a blow, or hit the quintain just right, it was always "Again, probationer." Even if he didn't say it, Kel could feel his despise. Every other page was recognized for their merits at least once by Lord Wyldon. Even Neal, with whom the Stump could never agree, was praised when he outran all of the other pages. And yet, Kel still carried on, day after day, with no acknowledgement. Though she shrugged it off, and told herself that she didn't care, she still desperately longed to be recognized by the Training Master. But, despite all of her efforts, he still treated her coldly.

_The harder I push the further I fall.  
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.  
But you don't want to sing along.  
Maybe it's trite but I can always, always, always be wrong_

It seemed like now, all that she did only came back to haunt her. The more she tried, the harder Wyldon judged her. If she ran the hill when no one else did, the Training Master remarked that her pace was too slow. If she was slightly sweating or flushed when she came to breakfast because she had been too absorbed in her pattern dances, he sent her to do punishment work on some height around the palace. All she wanted to do was be treated the same as everyone else. But Wyldon seemed determined not to give her that chance.

_It's just like you to contest  
Wear it like a label on your breast  
Don't you see what this takes of me?  
A certain callousness complies  
With your charm and in your pride  
A hopeful look draped in despise. _

"In two days' time, Keladry of Mindelan shall present herself…" In her elation, Kel froze. She looked at the old Training Master, who was opening his mouth to speak. _He just has to oppose this_, Kel thought_, even though none of this was my fault. I would have repeated all four years. I would have done it. I didn't ask for special treatment, but he still hasn't give up opposing me getting my shield._ However, the burst of cheers from her friends seemed to drown out whatever Wyldon was about to say, and he closed his mouth and sat.

_I want to give you  
whatever you need.  
What is it you need?  
Is it what I need?  
I want to give you  
whatever you need.  
What is it you need?  
Is it within me? _

Ever since she had come to the palace, Wyldon had always stood for honor and achievement. She had done everything that she could to gain his acceptance, and still, it seemed, it was not enough. Even when she did something almost no other knight had ever done—stay horsed against the formidable Training Master, she could still the disappointment? Regret? That shone on his face. She wanted him to be proud of her. But she read his words on his face long before they left his mouth. I only wish that you had been born a boy. But why did it make any difference? After all she had achieved, all she had been through, she thought that maybe, now, he could be proud of her. She had done all he asked and more, but it just seemed that gaining his acceptance was not something that was possible for her. After so long, she doubted that she had the strength or merit to give Lord Wyldon what he wanted.

_The harder I push the further I fall.  
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.  
But you don't want to sing along.  
Maybe it's trite but I can **always** be wrong.  
_**Try not to be wrong**

After her page years were finally over, Kel heard the words she had never expected that the Training Master would say; "She earned her right to stay as much as-**more than**-you lads. Against odds that might have broken one of you" And, later, "Mindelan, it may be that the best thing said of my tenure is that **you **were my student. Should that be the case, I _am _the **wrong **man for this post. Your probation was **wrong. **You know that, and I know that"

Hearing that, during all those hours that she had sweated and toiled, he had noticed her work, stunned her. He thought that she had done well! And he finally admitted that he was wrong. Her head spun. After all those years of work, which she had thought went unnoticed and upraised, it meant so much to her to her him say those things. **This **was what she had worked for, when she hadn't been working for herself or the realm. The training master had always been on her mind. Even if all else failed, she knew, that she would still have these accomplishments. And that was all that mattered right now.

* * *

**_A/N: What do you think? I thought that it seemed slightly...off. Maybe OOC or something. Lemme know!_**


End file.
